Wow, you are absolutely demolishing this fragile kid! It is good to put children on the stand and then torture them for all to see. Keanu whips out what is by far the most hilarious piece of fake evidence I have ever seen in a movie-a note written in Heather’s handwriting that has a drawing of Lloyd as a hog man that says, “He’s a huge hog beast, he probably eats 1000 pancakes for breakfast!!!!!!” Okay, I’m not mad at you, Heather, but my culture is not a costume !!!!!!!!!!!!!Ī triumphant Keanu windmill-dunks on Heather with her own PRIVATE NOTE (which 8th grader snitched to the devil ?) while she weeps. OBJECTION!!!!! The Gainesville Huge Hog Beast is the state animal of Florida and it is a COMPLIMENT to be compared to one! BURBLE BURBLE BURBLE!!! Heather is like no, WTF are you talking about, my man? Oh, I’m sorry, says Keanu, I meant to say, “HUGE HOG BEAST!” Gasps from every corner! He asks Heather if she ever got in trouble in class…if, maybe, she ever called her teacher a “ disgusting pig monster ”? The gallery cannot believe this blockbuster question. Time to absolutely carpaccio this girl’s humanity! Keanu does a DEMONIC SMILE WHICH I HATE (see above) and gets back to work. Is this a real thing that happens? Where local reporters hate the hotshot lawyer and mock him with their watermelons out? I did not know this was a part of the lawyer ecosystem. He carries his watermelon over to the urinal and mocks Keanu cruelly while draining his watermelon. Keanu storms into the bathroom and a sassy reporter corners him (if this man’s face is driving you absolutely crazy, he’s Billy from Dirty Dancing who has Baby carry a watermelon). They take a recess and Keanu is VERY MAD AT ANDY/FRANK (his name is actually Lloyd) because Keanu thought these weeping children were lying and sweaty Lloyd was telling the truth until he saw Lloyd molest the table wetly! “Why don’t we put you on the stand and you can jerk off for the judge!?” LMAO! Good one! Dude, you need those to see! This implies a point later in the day when he has to slink over to the defense table in shame and ask for his glasses back. The prosecutor is like, “I have NOTHING FURTHER!” and then dramatically THROWS his glasses at Keanu. Heather adds that in addition to attacking her, the guy also tried it again with her friend. It’s almost Keanu’s turn for cross-examination, but he’s conflicted because of the table molestation he saw. Until Heather Matarazzo starts describing the horrible incident and Frandy Smellefleur DOES A MOLESTING MOTION ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE TABLE with his WET FINGERS! Keanu is like dude, STOP, EW, THE REPORTERS CAN SEE U AND MORE IMPORTANTLY SO CAN I AND I HATE IT! Okay, score one point for Jesus if Jesus is the opposite of this sick shit!!!!!!!!! I’m a fundamentalist Christian now! (If you guys don’t stop masturbating I am going to LOSE IT.) Keanu Reeves, the molester’s defense attorney, is confident and smug! He is going to DESTROY this traumatized teen!! He doesn’t even feel bad, because he’s pretty confident that his client is innocent. Heather Matarazzo is crying on the stand in a Florida courtroom, testifying against her nasty math teacher, Frank Sobotka/Andy Bellefleur, depending on which era of my early-mid-2000s binge-watching you ask. More Satan Qs that I have had all my life: Is hell a place that Satan likes or is it a punishment for him? If Satan is punishing people who sinned against God then isn’t he kind of doing God a favor? Does that mean that God is his boss? So then isn’t Satan… good? Is the lake lava or just sort of ambient fire? Does Satan walk on fire the way Jesus walks on water? Way cooler, imo! The first of many, many points for Satan that this movie delivers! That’s Satan’s house! If we’re accepting the premise that Satan is a real guy who is also a lawyer, how does he live in a lake? Does he float around all day? Does he have a houseboat? What’s it made of? Is that part of the torture of hell-that you’re dog-paddling in the fire but Satan has a really cool houseboat? This Butt News goes out to the time my friend Hester tried to rent a regular yoga DVD but accidentally rented a yoga DVD for the elderly called “Silver Fox Yoga” starring Al Pacino’s dad, SAL PACINO!Īlso, before I start, this movie is PERFECT ENTERTAINMENT and this Butt News contains comprehensive spoilers so you should consider watching the movie before/concurrently with reading this Butt News!
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